Remember what 15 felt like?
“Can I...?” “No, you can’t.”
“I want to…” “No you can’t.”
“May I please…?” “No.”
I feel like that. It’s my body saying “No, you can’t.” And inside I’m screaming “Why not??”.
My rheumatoid arthritis flared up all week. It was mid-90′s hot. And humid. I wanted to drive 4 hours to a weekend retreat for people who are HIV-positive from all over the southeast. Only the dining room is air-conditioned at the rustic retreat center and the paths between buildings are uneven and unpaved.
“I can’t,” I told the director of the day center where I volunteer. “I can do hot or pain, but not both.”
I’ve read several books lately about our bodies and our spirituality. I see layers of metaphors in my decision to take care of myself.
I allowed myself to be sad for a day or so. Limitations frustrate me. And I realize some of the changes in my body can’t be fixed or reversed. My granddaughter, at 15 months, can almost outrun me. More metaphors.
I’m not what I thought I’d be at this point in my life. (Is anyone?) So I pray for willingness and acceptance. And the continuing ability to laugh!