I ‘tuck.

I’m stuck.  Or as Adaline used to say, “I ‘tuck.”  I’ve been ‘tuck for weeks.  Not able to write.  Not able to plan much beyond today.  Wondering what I am supposed to be doing and how to get to the point of doing…anything.

I know that sounds like depression, but this time I felt more lost than depressed.  I asked God for some kind of sign or message.  Nothing.  Besides feeling stuck.

Slowly, the light started to go on inside my brain.  I spend a lot of my time waiting for the next disaster/crisis/time of need.  On hold. Stuck. ‘Tuck.

Last year, in 2012, I lived that way.  We quickly went from one grandchild to three.  Maggie was born in January, 90 minutes away, to Stephanie and Will, and had 2 open-heart heart surgeries by the time she was 9 months old.   Adaline turned 2 in February and welcomed (?) baby brother, Atticus, in April. With Kristin and Josh, their parents, they moved 30 minutes away a few months later.

Our daughters took turns with disaster/crisis/time of need.  I gave up hope of planning anything more than a day or two in the future.  The retired man I live with and I turned 61 and 60.  We tried to spread ourselves, like a spoonful of peanut butter on bread, as far as possible, but we got thinned out at the edges.

2013–they are all healthy and well!  Or at least living in a normal state of sleep-deprivation with joy and wonder, colds and ear infections, crawling and walking, eating solids, talking, tantrums,  toilet training, and sibling rivalry.

I still live each day with hyper-vigilance and concern.  Ok, worry.  I am stuck, waiting for trouble or need.

You know what, I don’t have to live like this anymore!

On May 9, 2013, I celebrate 26 years of sobriety.  26 years, one day at a time, of no alcohol or inappropriate drugs.  Today I am a recovering, not cured, alcoholic and I’ve learned a few things:

I am a beloved Child of God.  And therefore, I have worth.

God and AA  and Al Anon help me stay sober.

I can’t control anything except my thoughts and actions.

Everyone I cross paths with is also a beloved Child of God, doing the best they can.  They each have a Higher Power who watches over them.  That Higher Power is not and never will be me.

There’s freedom in letting go of protecting others from pain and hard stuff that I can’t stop anyway.  I learned how to deal with pain and hard stuff one step at a time, one day at a time, asking for help from God and family and friends.  I can’t stop the pain and hard stuff in my daughters’ lives.  I hate that, but they have their own lessons to learn, if I stay out of the way.

I’m writing now.  I have ideas for how to use my freed-up time.

God says, “Go for it.  They will be okay.”

Advertisements

The URI to TrackBack this entry is: https://ammaponders.wordpress.com/2013/05/08/i-tuck/trackback/

RSS feed for comments on this post.

12 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Good Morning, Robin,
    We will be celebrating on the same day. My celebration is my birthday, May 9, 1960 and yours a celebration of sobriety. Happy Birthday!!!
    Would love to get together?
    Beth

    • I’d love to. How about sometime next week?

  2. Amen

  3. It’s a hard lesson to learn. Mothers have this overwhelming urge to keep everyone safe and happy, and it doesn’t go away when you become a grandmother. But soon your grandchildren will be like some of mine, teenagers and young adults, driving and traveling the world. That urge to keep them safe is still there, but there’s very little you can do. And you wouldn’t want to clip their wings.

    • i keep reminding myself I don’t want to clip anyone’s wings. I just don’t always remember quick enough.

  4. Your post was very encouraging to me. I have recently come to a similar place of trying to let go with my children. I have realized that I cannot change or control any of the things that I worry about and fear concerning my children. While I acknowledge that there are a lot of things I should have done differently, I know that now, their decisions are up to them. So, what can I do? Like you, I spend a lot of time praying. Somehow, God then takes it over and I get to stop worrying,… at least until the next “crisis”! I think we should get together soon.

    Ann

    • We ALL could have done some things differently, Ann. I look at my girls now parenting their own kids and figure I must have done some things right! So did you.

  5. Twenty one years April 23rd. Just keep reading “The Promises” and realize how they have all come true. That’s my cure for “tuck”

    • Great suggestion! Thank you. And congratulations!

  6. Intellectually I know you are right. We control nothing and worry prevents nothing.

    It is living that knowledge that is so hard.

    • So true, so true.
      At least we try.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: