The ammas, as they were called, help us to find ways to gently pay attention to God’s presence with us in all places and through all things. And they teach us to grow in the awareness that we are each unique, remarkable parts of a vast, vital, interconnected cosmos. The word means mother. It came to refer to those women who were spiritual mothers to many. Their insistence on practicing silence, solitude and stillness provides a kind of medicine for our over-heated, frenetic culture.”
“Amma Ponders” reflects my spirituality. Depressed, my ability “to gently pay attention to God’s presence with us in all places and through all things” disappeared. I had no energy for that. I practiced isolation rather than solitude. And I wrote little.
My new antidepressant helps me today. My joints and my soul love the few sunny, 50-60 degree days we had lately. I am waking up and looking out beyond myself.
I’ll be 62 years old in a few weeks. And, once again, I want to know what I will be when I grow up. Several wise ammas and abbas (men) listened to my string of “I don’t know…” sentences the other day and led me to a knowledge that it is okay not to know. One woman quoted Julian of Norwich, “Await.” An ex-Marine-Episcopal-priest said, “I may not know where I am, but I know I’m not lost.” Another woman spoke of “glimmers of grace.” And a woman older than I “still has an ambition to give.”
I pondered their words for several days. I sat down to write this morning. I found myself re-reading that first blog post about why I picked “Amma” for my grandmother name.
For a lot of years, I answered “stay-at-home-mom” to the question, “What do you do?” That was my calling. And once I got sober, I got pretty good at it. But I was never sure “mother” was enough.
Amma “means mother. Their insistence on practicing silence, solitude and stillness provides a kind of medicine for our over-heated, frenetic culture.”
I am a grownup. I am a child of God. I am Amma. And that is enough.
Amma Ponders 
That is more than enough…that is everything.
Some days I believe your words. I need to think of myself as my friend and go with those standards.
I agree; the first hospitality we offer must always be to our own heart, our own spirit, and the sacred, unique ways we translate the Holy and bless the world…and I also know how hard that can be…Welcome, Amma: I value your words and who you are in the world!
But it’s so much easier to say these things to other people and mean it. I can believe I’m enough for God, it’s my impossible expectations that trip me up. Thanks again for reading and commenting.
Ya done good Rob’! We live in the hearts of those who love us. You have a heart that knows no limits. I know, I’ve tested them. Let me know when you nearby, with our without your boyfriend~~.
AMF
(Adios my Friend) – oh, and it is “former Marine”. Most of them can’t read anyway, but just in case he is within earshot…
Thanks, FJ. I wondered about”former” Marine. I might go back and change it.
Enough is often fluid for me but in this last year, I found myself wandering less among the questions and more among just being alive. More and more, I confine myself to the day at hand, which is as close as I get to living in the moment, and for now, that is enough. Beautiful post, Robin.
Karen
“I found myself less among the questions and more among just being alive.” So much wisdom in those words. Thank you. For me, less reding about how to live a “good” life and more walking out the door into a life!
Robin, you are an awesome Amma and and excellent writer. I enjoy your blogs.
Thanks, Bev, for reading and for commenting.