I don’t do resolutions anymore. They’re always the same anyway. Eat better. Move my body more. Take time for myself. Stand up straight and do right. Don’t lie. Don’t cheat. Don’t be afraid.
I do reflect on the year just past, though.
January 11, 2012: Our 2nd grandchild (Margaret Jane–Maggie) was born.
February 25, 2012 (and all year long!): Our first grandchild (Adaline) was 2.
April 2, 2012: Our 3rd grandchild (Atticus), Adaline’s little brother, was born.
March and September, 2012: Maggie had 2 heart surgeries and is all fixed and just like any other delightful almost-one-year-old. (Thank you, Dr. Mill, at UNC Children’s Hospital!)
April-December 31, 2012 (and forever): Adaline and Atticus pushed their parents to new levels of love, patience, and sleep deprivation.
January 1-December 31, 2012 (and as long as we live): We loved them all.
2012 stretched and challenged me physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
So what were the gifts in this full year?
I have 3 healthy, happy, amazing grandchildren! Christmas 2011 we had one. Now we have 3. Mind boggling and tiring and such fun, all at the same time.
I finally forgave myself for not being a “good enough” mother. My daughters showed me that I WAS a good enough mom and that each day with two little ones was hard. A wound I carried in my heart for a long time starting healing.
I have 2 amazing, strong, loving daughters who are much better mothers than I was. Luckily, we all mostly agree on how to parent. My younger daughter, mother of 2, coaches her older sister and tells her, “It will get better.”
My husband and I learned to be more gentle with each other. He is a good father and the best grandfather. We are aware of time passing and our bodies changing and a drive to miss nothing! We take care of each other.
I watch how we help our girls (both are close by) and I am painfully aware that my parents were never able to give me the same support and presence. Now I know how much they missed and I am sad for all of us.
I value friends (and a therapist) who let me be honest and vulnerable. I cannot do the hard stuff alone. I tried that this year…again…and it didn’t work…again.
In 2012, I lost a sense of balance between my needs and my family’s needs. In 2013, I want to do better. I want to take care of myself, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I want to be alive for a long time!
I want to keep learning and growing and stretching and trying new things. I want to play with my grandchildren. Their laughs make everything else in the world go away and I am in the moment. That’s the best gift of all.
I am very grateful. Many times I had the sense that all of us were held in God’s (roomy) lap. We were surrounded by prayers and we felt the strength and support and love of our community.
I’m not the same person I was on January 1, 2012. Are you? Is anyone?
Amma Ponders 